I was abused many times. first when i was little. a family that adopted me abused me severely. i did nothing to deserve it. i was four years old or younger and they did unspeakeable things to me. things that would break your heart. i don't remember all of it but a lot of it. the worst things i remember is being put on a timer and told to eat my food and throwing up on the couch after and being forced to eat my own vomit. and i remember crying. also, i was put in a tub of scolding hot water and forced to stay in it and they burned  my feet so bad that the skin hung off my feet. they cut it off and wrapped my feet in toilet paper and forced me to walk. i remember being in the hospital  being wheeled down a hall on a hospital bed laying in my own body fluids.  i got taken away from them and adopted by a new family and the family that hurt me went to prison. 

then, i got adopted by the new family and my mom was really nice but my father was extremely strict and i had a lot of rules on me and basically had no life except for church. i was punished a lot. i got grounded a lot. eventually as i got older into my teen years, i started pulling away and i wanted to be away from him and be somewhere else. so i started running away from home and kept doing it. it made him very mad at me but every time i came back home him and my mom took me back. eventually i turned 18 and moved out for good.

the next abuse happened when I was in a relationship with a guy that always blamed me for any problems we had and never took blame on himself. he wasn't good for me so i eventually left him.

Next was the guy i married. he was a partier at first and then we started arguing and i saw who he really was and i knew what i was in for. but my father wanted me to have a "life"...you know a husband, kids, marriage, a house , a car, a job, money...all of it...and i wasn't ready . so i ended up marrying this guy but i really didn't want to deep inside my heart. but i did it anyway just to shut my father up. well, this guy wanted one thing from me all the time and i didn't want to. and he would force me into it by starting an argument and then raising his voice and start fighting with me and saying mean nasty things to me until i gave in to shut him up so he would go away and leave me alone. my whole marriage was like that and it just got worse and worse until he got into a bunch of stuff and i prayed to God to save me and get me away from him and i ended up divorcing him.

the next thing after that was a guy i was with after a while and he was fun at first, however that turned out bad too because he was into stuff and i couldn't handle him so i kicked him out.  the people that did the most damage were my father and all those people that ruined my life, destroyed me in every way possible except for my bond with God and jesus that i hid from them.

fear. well, fear is like being in prison or being trapped somewhere that you can't get out of. it's one of the worst things i've gone through. i was afraid of a lot of people and a lot of things...i thought "what if" a lot. i had a lot of anxiety attacks or panic attacks and it got so bad that i couldn't even function normal anymore.  i had to pray a lot for God and Jesus to take that away from me. living in fear is a rotten thing to go through . pray.  God can help you through it.

All those people put so much guilt inside me that it started programming my brain to think that i couldn't do anything right and that i would always be a failure. i was never going to be good enough and i would never get anywhere in life. after years and years of hearing it and feeling it i started believing it. but i kept hearing one specific voice in my head saying "it's not your fault"...it was God talking to me.